Dating your spouse after separation

All of these circumstances were my own doing, but I took them out on my wife. In , my wife told me that she had had enough, and we separated. I moved in with a friend and was still too selfish to realize the most precious thing in my life was slipping away. It took me the entire rest of that year to realize this, but after a year of separation, I ultimately knew that I had to wake up.

I had to stop making excuses. When I initially had the sense that I needed to change several months into our separation, I called my wife and begged her to come home. We did end up reconciling at the end of one year, but only after I learned these three lessons:. The first step in fixing any problem is acknowledging the problem exists. In relationships, a lot of times the problem is with us, not our partner. We had real financial struggles: My weight had a devastating effect on our sex life. My job brought stress into our home daily.

These problems weren't subtle by any means, and yet I never wanted to confront them. I didn't know how to fix the problems, but ignoring them made everything worse Then, when we separated, I was forced to admit all of the things I had control over that I was deliberately denying to myself.

I was then able to sit down and figure out how I could make changes to myself, and then to our relationship. This all took time, but I created a plan and found a way. Denial of major problems in your life will only make them fester beneath the surface. I spent hours trying to convince my wife to reconcile, but she had heard all the empty promises too many times before.

No matter how well crafted my rationalizations were, I finally realized that words are moot if there's no action behind them. And when I started to make changes, my wife noticed without me saying a word. Those changes were the first step in our reconciliation. Real change might start with words, but the main component of its success is the daily actions. You wake up every day and do whatever it takes to better the situation — especially in relationships.

The most important lesson I learned is that love is a decision. I learned that my feelings will come and go, and attraction can change shape and manifest itself at certain times more than others. But love is a decision you make when you wake up and commit to the person you made vows to. When you decide to choose love over lust, that is a decision. When you choose to prioritize your partner's needs over yours at a moment they are struggling — that's another everyday example of deciding to love.

It took three years, but I was able to pay off all the debt and quit the job I hated. My wife and I are lucky to say that we're celebrating 17 years of marriage this year. Does the story always end this way? He wants me to change my mind and come home.

How to Decide if You Should Reconcile With Your Husband

He wants to get counseling because he realizes he has a problem. The torchure on my part is that he so good looking, smart, witty, and an amazing dad. But he is not a good husband. He has always belittled me. He tells me how things are going to go or that in reality his way is the logical way. My gut says finish the divorce but something inside me says no…. I am so heart broken as well. I read your story and feel a connection, as my husband is addicted to porn also. My husband and I have been together for over 13 years married 9. We got in a huge fight on our 9 yr anniversary and I suggested that maybe we should separate and see if this is really what we want.

He was so mad that I said that. We talked and said we would go to counseling, but I wanted him to go to counseling individually, as well.

Don't Neglect Your Woman

I have been seeing a therapist for over a year trying to work through my own issues and be a better person. I just wanted him to do that, too. Over the past few months, our communication has only gotten worse, to the point that we hardly even talk anymore. He makes no attempt whatsoever to reach out and let me know that he even cares. It has been about 3 weeks.

Two weeks ago, we got into an argument and he seemed so cold to me and just completely checked out. It made me suspicious so I checked the history on his computer. I found an article read on getting back out there. When he was taking a nap with our 5 year old, I took his phone when I went to pick up our son. I found all kinds of trashy porn subscriptions, and other things that made me feel so betrayed.

He was looking for his phone so he knew I had it. When we got back I told the kids to play outside. My husband and I went into our bedroom, and I confronted him in an angry rage. I have never been violent with my husband or anyone for that matter, but I just lost it. I threw the phone at him, banged on his chest, cried and kick him.

This whole incident took 5 min, but after I threw the phone at him, he started to secretly record me. I tried to leave right away, but he left before I could. So I had my kids and we drove around looking for him. A few hours later 2 cops were waiting for me in my driveway. I had to stay the night in a horrible, disgusting, cold jail. A couple hours later, I was served with a restraining order from my husband. This was a first offense and I weigh lbs. He is very strong and muscular. He filed for divorce the next day and inquired about selling our house.

Identify the Purpose of the Date

The worst part is my kids suffering. He never even gave me a chance to talk to him about this. He just completely kick me out of my life. He does have family and could easily stay with any of them. I have tried to talk to him. He deleted the account that I found all of this stuff on. I just know there has to be more to all of this. Even after all of that part of me still loves him, but I know we could probably never trust again. I feel so lost and alone. This article really hits hard.

I am pleased to say I have had the pleasure of reading it. Thank you so much for the wonderful advice and allowing me to be my own questionnaire. I grew up with my ex husband since 17 years old, married at age 23, and divorced at age Now 11 months after that he began to text me Oct He knows all of my concerns with this older woman, and I understand about being friends, as right after divorce when I called him I became very jealous of his friendship with this older woman which he and I have discussed and overcame it now.

I am so confused, and hurt, like he messaged me this time around! Why cannot he not rip the bandaid off from this woman? Why he is still holding onto to her? Your ex sounds like he has moved on very quickly and this shows little sadness or grieving time for him. This other woman on the scene makes it very hard for anyone to be clear about what they want from a reconciliation. I think you need to write a list of pros and cons of getting back together and examine your motivation and his attitude also.

Hope it becomes clearer as you stop and think. He wants his cake any woman he wants at the time and eat it too…. He is not husband material. For your own sake, leave him to his selfish ways and stop letting him manipulate you. He knows what he is doing is wrong!!!! He is wasting your time. I am married for 6 years, separated since late October, although we discussed it a year before that and decided against it.

He says if we had done so then, we would have worked it out pretty quickly and got back together. I have moved out but am miserable at my parents house. I have a grown son and a teenaged daughter who wants her room back. We were best friends and so in love and it just kills me that we have reached this point. He has admitted to having an emotional affair and I know her but he has moved on from her and has said he loves me and wants to fix this.

We fought so bad at first when we split up because he was still holding a grudge against my behavior that prompted his original wish to split. I always came home from work and griped and complained about it and took everything out on my family and I regret that. Finally I gave up that behavior and decided it had to stop.

We spent several days together last week while my daughter was away and had the best time. I asked why and he finally said he felt like we got too comfortable during that time and it was moving too fast. He has time for everyone and everything but me like he did before last week. I call and he rarely picks up, if I text him I might get a reply, but it could take hours. He said he was definitely still wanting me physically but he just felt weird with me saying it on the phone. So why am I the only one pursuing here? My husband of 25 years had an emotional affair it only last a month of texting.

We tried to work on it for 3 months I was an emotional wreck. He was completely shattered after seeing how upset I was and started questioning his love for me.

Help for Getting Back Together After Separation

Actually he questioned our last 25 years of marriage. I asked him to leave he did. We have been separated for 1 month. He still questions his love stating how could I possibly look at another woman and love you. He and I keep on close contact and he comes to our home every weekend and spends all day. Mostly just he and I hanging out together the kids come and go. He helps with the everyday chores while there. I know he loves me by his actions and his kindness.

But he continues to question himself and our love. I have since asked him to come home and work on our marriage he says no.

Food is Medicine

My husband and I separated after being married for 2 years. We have been separated for 3 years now. We have tried off and on to make it work, but each time it ends in heartbreak. I stayed away from him for a year, we both dated someone else, but just a few months ago, he started texting me again.

Within the last 2 years, I have strengthened my relationship with God. I am serving in a church ministry and have been working really hard to find myself. I have changed for the better. I am healthier, happier and so full of joy! Since he came back into my life, after telling me that he has changed and he knows what he wants, he has proven to me that he is still the same.

He is stealing away my joy and constantly picking on me because I go to church, or that I have a stronger relationship with God. He lives 30 minutes away on the other side of town , he never asks to visit me, never wants to drive to my house. He tells me that when he is home, he would rather stay on that side of town with his family and my step-son. He rarely sees my daughter or even asks me out on a date. Hi dear You are indeed a brave woman! Its difficult after separation to manage your emotions and also take care of finances and a child.

Having said that, people rarely change. If its possible, ask your husband his true intention of coming back to you. If he dodges the question or does not have a clear answer, then he is not being sincere or is still confused. Be open to listening to him amd trust your gut. Also, for your own sanity and happiness continue to participate in church activities or whatever gives happiness at this point.

Have you both tried counselling? In some cases it does help, but lot of hard work is required from both the parties in question. I hope you reach in your life soon where you want to be. Sometimes, the things which are right now difficult help us to become a stronger and better person to enjoy our life to the fullest. Make a decision to wait till he changes or accept the situation and move on. He left me for someone else, and I have tried in every way to let go. We have become friends again.

Whom he has had an extremely toxic relationship with btw. I hate that it took us separating to see where we each went wrong but it did. I want so bad to try to get it right. Me and my husband are separated. We go out on dates to rebuild our marriage, plus we communicate now. We listen to one another, i go to his job and we have lunch together.

How has your reconciliation been? I am currently starting to date my husband after separation of 3 months. He used the whole I love you but not in love with you line with me. But suggested we start dating again. Hi I have been with my husband for 24 years married for Had 2 children together and went through loss and financial difficulties together. We were best friends same tastes in spirts we evwn play together and mivies music etc.

Not helping with the kids or housework etc he started going iut alot with work people who were all women. I totally trusted him and took him to their parties even though i was never invited.


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He always seemed happy until recently and never said a word! I was devestated and when he mived iut he seemed very unhappy. We started to reconnect through the kids and he started to say things like telling the kids we would see him home more etc etc. Then one day my daughter told me she saw him with the work ladies and they were holding hands. I was obviously angry and confused and when i confronted him he denied it and based in what the kids said later it seems to have been a misunderstanding. I have to work towards rwbuilding trust but he has gone cold again with no reconnection.

He has been gone 4 minths and this latest cold snap is is a little over a month long. I have been working hard through therapy and educating myself to make myself heal and grow but i am at a loss at how to proceed!! My wife and I have been separated for 3 weeks now with me moving out. She knows my intention of having the separation is to cool off and evaluate what areas of my personality I need to change and eventually try to make the marriage work. However, I am confused as to why she agreed to the separation in the first place because she asked for a divorce initially.

She also needs time to heal. In addition, she said that she is not in a hurry to file for a divorce. But she wants me to learn to take care of myself, become independent, and find happiness outside of her. She tells me that if I ask her now, because she is full of pain and hurt, she wants a divorce. I never cheated on her, but my inability to control my emotions have led to a lot of verbal abuse towards her and drastic behavior excessive gambling or taking drugs during my temporary insanity, sort to speak.

I been married 11 years separated 1year I was 15 when I met him married at Went through a lot of mental and physical abuse. Broke up last year even though he was trying I was sick of it. Wants to be a family again and support us. I also found a new boyfriend he is very sweet to me and kids but he has no source of income. Been married 16 years this year, with this last one being toughest. My wife moved upstairs to another room in Nov after a stupid argument, But this felt much more.

I have made some mistakes over the years by lying about money and where it was going.. I love her so much, despite her shutting me out. She joined a recovery group at our church in DEC, and said i was emotionally abusive i will never ever hit a woman.. So i decided to do my own recovery from all the things that destroyed my marriage.

THe lying, deception, and I am just crushed. Tonight i found a message on her computer that some guy wants to meet her for coffee. We are separated now and it was heart breaking to read that. I am praying for reconciliation, and love the idea of dating my wife again.


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But right now, it feels hopeless. So I decided to move on with my life. I tried to file for divorce but our process is very slow. He also asked me to reconcile with him,he left that woman. He wants to see his family back together. He will never sign those divorce papers. The sad part is that this man tried all he can to put food on the table for my kids. He tried so much to make my kids happy,but my heart miss my house now. I just found out 5 weeks ago My husband after 15 years has been unfaithful 7 times in our marriage and before this also.

I thought he was a loyal man and utterly shocked by this behaviour. He portrayed himself so well until i found evidence of past infidelities! I asked him to leave, no second chance. He has since had a breakdown and in counselling. We have 3 beautiful children. As much as i see his pain now i told him i cannot take him back as i have to much respect for myself.

Over a year now for you. I would love to hear how you are getting on. Separated after leaving an emotionally abusive husband and turned violent once. He desperately wants to get back together and has since HAD to leave how per court order. He has a very high profile job making over K and I am a stay at home mom. I already called off our first wedding for the same reasons and we got back together. My husband suddenly left our family months ago for another woman, who we both knew from our neighborhood association. He filed for divorce and immediately moved to another state with her.

Now my husband wants to reconcile, after a year apart. Wow sorry to hear that. I agree it would be difficult to ever trust him again after the betrayal and abandonment, unless you could see that he has significantly changed and was completely remorseful and seeking forgiveness, realized what an awful decision he had made, etc. My wife and I split we both cheated on each other and That was the main cause for the collapse of our marriage. I worked to much and neglected we feelings. When I found out about what she was doing I was so hurt I turned off emotionally completely.

We went on for another 6 years and I started to cheat on her. In my mind I blamed her for the problems. I was to short sighted to see what my actions did to her. During the divorce process we spoke about trying again and, and again I shut her out. I grew up in a very bad home with abuse and mental abuse as well.

I didnt know how to have a loving relationship cause I never saw one. I realize now How lost I truly am without her. I spoke to her about my feelings but she is dating now. Married for 23 years. Mentally and emotionally abused for most. Husband wants to reconcile. Claimed ownership for his part. During the separation I met a man that i like. I am now conflicted. It is very tumultuous- i am agonizing over which path to take.

Monetarily, things were great with my husband. I never had a want. This new guy has made my decision to give my marriage another try more complicated. I am going back and forth in my head, and the stress is intense. Long history with husband, children together, he knows me so well, the comfort level etc…. But what if it goes back to the way it was???? Sorry for your difficult situation. That is what I am most scared of in my own situation. But maneuvering divorce is such a overwhelming and scary thought. We have three young children and I fear most for their safety and not being there to protect them if he were able to get some kind of custody.

His parents also are abusive, toxic people and I fear not being able to protect my kids from them either. Hi Mara, I understand completely. Like you, I am not a career woman. I have just completed a medical coding course, and hope to become certified soon. I ask myself this question a lot….. My answer usually is probably not. Most of my conflict is due to fear. False Evidence Appearing Real! Sure, I can go back to him. I would have security, money problems would be gone, but will I truly be happy? My husband has been my safety net for many, many years.

He knew that too….. I cringe at the thought of being under his thumb, but yet I still entertain the thought of a reconciliation……LOL. Good Job on taking steps to be able to financially support yourself! From reading what you said, it seems like the main reason you would reconcile is the financial security that your husband provided, which he also took advantage of to control you.

His mental illness bipolar with psychosis compounds the problem, and he is still not completely well either. I am so fearful of the legal process of divorce and custody and what is best for my children and also how can I support them on my own? I honestly feel if my children were grown up it would be a lot easier to make the decision to separate for good, which is what I feel I would choose at this point. Thank you for writing this, it is very helpful! My husband is pressuring me and rushing me to reconcile but I am not ready.

I am happier and healthier without him, but Getting divorced scares me worrying about custody of the kids and their well being. The one time I was alone with him , he started the angry verbal abuse just like before. I am happier and healthier without him, but Getting sicorved scares me worrying about custody of the kids and their well being. If you need marriage advice, please follow the Mort Fertel Marriage Coach link in my article — he gives free advice to couples. Please, call a local organization for in-person help — or get in touch with the marriage coach I listed if you need help with your relationship.

I wish you all the best — I hope you find the help you need. It seems to me that your husband is having a hard time letting go. He really does love you and his kids, and he knows your family life is over. I think he loves the idea of you all as a family together…. Your husband may also be processing his grief and loss about the separation and upcoming divorce. He may not want to talk about reconciliation — or not know how to reconcile — but he is sad that your marriage is over. Maybe he even regrets his actions. When you figure that out, then set your boundaries so you can protect and take care of yourself.

How do you want to see your relationship with your ex-husband unfold? Start making decisions that take you in that direction. This may be an ongoing process that changes as you all do, but for today and this week…how do you want to live as a family? Who is someone you trust that you can talk through your separation with? Processing your thoughts and feelings is really important. I hope this helps, and wish you all the best as you move forward in your life.

My husband and I separated about 4 months ago. The main reason was that he was cheating and showed no effort to change. While I was staying with him he cheated and lied and there was no reason for me to trust him. I stayed with him for about 2 years after I found about the affair but he continued to lie about ending it. Finally I asked him to move out. Since we have separated i am very clear to him that I dont want to be friends with him but he behaves as if everything is normal. He will spent time with the kids every week, take them out. He even insists i accompany them.

He got me gifts on my bday and celebrated our anniversary and took me and the kids on vacation as well. Niether of us have spoken of reconciliation nor I am interested. What I dont understand is if he is involved with someone else the reason for separation then why does he wants to spend time with me and celebrate bdays and anniversaries? Or let it be…has any one experienced similar situation? It sounds like you need to give your husband another chance. You want to save your marriage for your family, for yourself, and even for him…and that is an honorable and understandable desire.

Unity and connection is in our nature! We were built to be together, to experience life together. You need to know that you did everything you could. If you walk away too early, you might regret it. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. May you listen to that still small voice that is always there to guide you.

May you be strong and courageous, and not swayed by fears or insecurities. May you take your time as you decide if reconciliation is the best step for you and your family. My husband and I were married for 7 years when we separated. This year, One year later, I filed for divorce but when I was about to have him served he reached out to me and told me that he would like to work on our marriage. When we were married there were no issues relating to abuse or infidelity, but there were issues relating to commitment to family, and putting family first, which had always come very easy for me because I had a much different upbringing than my husband.

I felt like I was both the man and the woman of the home , I felt alone, single most times, and very unhappy. I worked from home, so I would stay on my computer much later past the end of the work day. In many ways I blamed myself, as I let some of the issues go on for much longer and allowed my husband to make excuses for him not pulling his weight in the home.

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We took vacations at different times in the year, because I planned mine around the kids schedule and he did not. I hated my life after a while, I would get upset when he came home, and I just wanted to be alone, since this was how I felt in the relationship. We tried counseling, but the pastor was inconsistent and so was my husband. My husband would not move out of our rented home, so I took the kids and left. After months apart we have been in communication because of our 3 year old. We have been open about dating other people during the time that we were apart, as I felt there was definitely someone out there that could be a better man to me.

At present we are no longer dating other people, and I feel like I owe it to him to see how he has changed and to see if there is a chance for us. I know sometimes it is said that we should not stay in a relationship for the kids, but I feel like I have an obligation to try, to see if we can reconcile to make our family whole. We live separately, and I do not feel that this should change at this point. He has asked me out, and comes to spend a few hours with us, and we plan on starting counseling. I want to take things slow, I feel really confused about everything and the reconciliation process, I am just taking baby steps at this point.

My husband and I separated recently. Ive been divorced for over a yr now im miserable an so is he but he has been sick for about 10 yrs of our marriage we were married 25 yrs he was verbally abusive at times an to our 3 children they are all grown now he wants to reconcile ive tried 2 other times but we end up fightin because he says stuff to offend me.

Can You Date During Separation Before a Divorce?

I still love him an he really needs me he doent have anyone else that voice I hear it sayin try but I dont know my kids are upset that I even talk to him still. But I know its not their decision to make its mine. I neglected my spouse of love and affection, let her down, used her past against her.

She has asked for a divorce and I agreed. I had not seen her since June.